what your soul sings

Don't be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you
Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
So make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you
And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you love you

Don't be ashamed
To open your heart and pray
Say what your soul sings
To you
So no longer pretend
That you can't feel it near
That tickle on your head
That tingle in your ear
Oh ask it anything
Because it loves you dear
It's your most precious king
If only you could hear
And when you do
You'll find the one you need is you
You'll find you love you

Obfuckinsession

Obsession consumes me these days. Some days are good,some days not good. Today I'm feeling blue and crappy,ashamed most of the time. Is it PMS or the full moon that effect me. I'm sensitive to full moon so I can't sleep, feeling restless, want to crawl out of my skin (I'm not a werewolf). yeah,thats why I don't feel so good (denial is a good thing).

I'm getting tired of my superficial comments about the object of my obsession but it feel good when I write them, (not long) :( I don't think that I need to be serious all the time either. That's another problem, I'm to serious. Everything is life and dead to me, black .or white no shades of gray exist in my world. Actually I like it but maybe not all the time or?

I think If I focus more I can make a good thing of this instead of insanity. I get a comment about witch stag I was in and it made me think for a second. Which stage am I really in? More close to insanity or control? Well,I think I'm some where in between going toward both some time at the same time. I been dreaming about the object of my obsession since beginning of Nov every night. It  makes (feel) me more crazy....I'm talking to myself all the time and make plans for the future,good plans for my life and then there is these thoughts. I don't know....I'm changing so much in my life that it is just too much sometimes. I need to focus at the goal despite the fear of the unknown and what might happen if I succeed in what I want to do. Maybe this is my way of coping with the disappointment that I feel.

Today is not a good day, not when I'm alone any way. When I do my job I almost forget but it is always near. It is like if i close my eyes I see....While work today sometime I thought what if but I snapped  myself out of it and concentrate on the client instead. I'm good at what I do (I hear it all the time) so I don't need to worry about that.I just need to see myself as the others do. Sometimes when my friends talk about me I think who is she talking about. Am I really that person? Why don't I can't see that all the time.....I know the answer but I need to change that dialog that plays in my head sometimes.I'm good at changing my thought pattern so I just need to remember it.

It feels that I suffocate here soon. I need to be some where else with other people. Right now I don't want to be around anybody. I can't find anybody that feels the way I do here maybe because I don't look for them, i don't know. I'm just tired....

To Roam

Well I like this world, well I like this world
Well I like this world
I would watch
Pray I would [work]
Like I would watch

Ghost and the rain
[Cold], the freedom
And I'm walkin the hallway
Yeah I'm walkin the hallway
I'm walking the hallway
Said I'm walking the hallway, and I'm walking the hallway

I am grown, I am [grown]
Think of the day where I'm sure to come
When I'm seen, I'm smiling [of ages]
When I know where I'm going to run
When I know where I will go
I will be gone somewhere else
You could see, you could see it through my mind

Know, you'd know it
You'd know when my eyes roam
Through the fog and hail, a scene [I missed]
Nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, should know where
Should know where, should know where
Should know where, should know where baby
Cause I like this world, and I like this world yeah

Some people were born to roam
Some people they roam this world alone
Some people were born to roam
Some people they roam this world alone

The right path

Listing to music and it makes me sad. I always been sensitive to music, it can change my mood so quickly. Today I've been high all day, being glad for silly or maybe not reasons. Just high on life, never used drugs and don't like alcohol so I can't compare how it is to be high on those substances. Music is my drug and he is my drug. Just listening to him or seeing his pics enough to disrupt my thoughts and send me to another world. I feel miserable for being this way sometimes but not all the time. I need to be obsessed to be able to find inspiration other wise I loose my will to live the way I should do and just exist without meaning. Ohhh god, I meant to do more, help more, change more. Being stuck or feeling stuck is killing me. I want to ran away somewhere where I needed or wanted. It is alway chaos in my mind. it has been since I remember and it will be till the day I die. It is just how my brain function but it is hard to live with it or use it for something constructive. I use music to calm down my brain and ease the pain I feel in my soul. I'm not afraid of pain, pain is good. It pushes you forward and makes you to decide the path you want to go. But I have to feel the pain and despair and it so hard. I need to remember and something good will come out it otherwise I just give up and stop living.
Do I have the courage to fallow my dreams??? Is it to late to have big dreams??? Am I the only one that feels this way? Fuck......

I can't play any instrument or sing but I can't survive without music. It is in my soul and every cell of my body. I don't know who "invented" Music but that person is like a God to me. I wish I knew who that was so i could build a statue of him/her and worship it. The musicians are Gods to me, their gift is so holy and beautiful that word can't describe it. Just being around them would make my life better and me a better person. I want to inspire people to be the best they are but can I? Something tells med that I have the ability I just have to find it but how, tell me please????

Sometimes I laugh at my dreams because they are so big and seems to be impossible but then I see many impossible dreams came true so why not mine???? Do I have live this life as it and accept it and wait for the next life or do I continue fighting for my dreams?

Ohh God this song is beautiful beyond words.....

The Most gorgeous eyes

You've got me crawling at your feet....

The angel

I'm quite a mess from last night. I thought about the people that suffers and how my problems seems so insignificant. What is happening to our world? And all the children, heartbreaking. I hope they get all the help that is needed to rebuild. It may take a long time to do that but not impossible.

Now to the Mr.Pattinson, he couldn't made a better job. He was so genuine and emotional. I could sense his gentle beautiful spirit and it didn't matter to me how he looked. His beautiful soul shined trough the exterior and blinded me with his goodness. He is truly an angel putting in this earth and it is a shame that he's being judge only by how h look. Yes he is beyond beautiful, yes he is perfect in many ways but he has something more that is appealing and draws people like a magnet to him. There are so many beautiful people but not everyone is so magnetic, soulful, genuine and warm. He has the gift and I'm hoping that the people around him doesn't destroy his gentle and good heart. He is so young and can do so much more.
I'm beyond obsession :) He can look like anything he wants and I still love him because I can see his beautiful soul. His eyes killing me, they are truly the windows to the soul and his eyes talks and can create so many emotions. Beautiful emotions, sad emotions, sexual emotions and much more. Yes, everything about him invids you in, His face, his voice, his smell and his soul.

Yes, I'm fucked and there is no turning back and being a NB by saying FILTM and NOHGOA
BTW I love his beard, I don't usually like beard ;)

The telethon is still on, it is late but I can't sleep...
Waking up this morning with feeling of panic. I tried to ignore it and went to gym, it didn't work. Thank Gud for my friend, being with her kept my thought away for a while. Afterward I listen to music that calmed me down.I just walk around feeling the feelings, Planning.... I know why I'm feeling this way.

It began in beginning of Nov. I've been suppressing any emotion not knowing it of course and thinking everything was OK but some how by reading a book and getting instressed in a person everything changed . The feelings began to surface, I lost my apatite in life and wanted to disappear from this world. For the first time in my life I experience panic attacks and was so depressed,crying almost all the time. I have almost the same feeling today. Something inside of me wants to crawl it's way out of my chest. I can feel it, I can feel the roar inside of my head,my chest and every bit of my being. I know that it's the real me that wants to surface but it is so terrifying to let it out. I know that I hae so much potential and I can do so much good. I can make a differences in peoples lifes but why I waist my time, waisted my time for so long???? I get so angry at my self for the stupid chiosec, for not doing enough, for waisting time. Fuck fuck fucccccccccccccccccck.......... I know what I have to do........

my first blog...