The telethon is still on, it is late but I can't sleep...
Waking up this morning with feeling of panic. I tried to ignore it and went to gym, it didn't work. Thank Gud for my friend, being with her kept my thought away for a while. Afterward I listen to music that calmed me down.I just walk around feeling the feelings, Planning.... I know why I'm feeling this way.

It began in beginning of Nov. I've been suppressing any emotion not knowing it of course and thinking everything was OK but some how by reading a book and getting instressed in a person everything changed . The feelings began to surface, I lost my apatite in life and wanted to disappear from this world. For the first time in my life I experience panic attacks and was so depressed,crying almost all the time. I have almost the same feeling today. Something inside of me wants to crawl it's way out of my chest. I can feel it, I can feel the roar inside of my head,my chest and every bit of my being. I know that it's the real me that wants to surface but it is so terrifying to let it out. I know that I hae so much potential and I can do so much good. I can make a differences in peoples lifes but why I waist my time, waisted my time for so long???? I get so angry at my self for the stupid chiosec, for not doing enough, for waisting time. Fuck fuck fucccccccccccccccccck.......... I know what I have to do........